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wake up panic attack
do yoga make breakfast panic attack
take a shower watch a movie panic attack

I still wait for the day this pandemic will be over
and panic attacks will no longer replace
all the periods in my sentences

we were two meters away from each other
but the distance didn’t matter
we spoke like anything bad never happened between us
can you guess when is the time
you’re seeing someone for the last time?

we are together in this isolation
every day
every minute
but when we’re sleeping we’re all alone

I fear the world is going to end
I fear I haven’t wash my hands enough today
I fear the delivery man won’t have a mask and gloves

I watered all my plants today
a small victory in an uncertain world.

1 unread message:
hey, how you holdin' on?

*browse SMS templates*

SMS template #1: hey! I'm really trying, I might lose my mind if I don't get a night out with my friends asap, haha

SMS template #2: hey! I think I'm going crazy, but never thought I could miss going to work xD

SMS template #3: well, this might be weird and I might seem weak, but what if I'm actually not wrestling with this? it's no battle that I have to hold on against for me. on the contrary, it's more like catching my breath after a tedious fight. am I a coward for not being eager to get out and fight again for an uncertain stake? am I regressing if I imagine quarantine as turning back into my mother's womb, where nothing can hurt me? am I crazy?

*send SMS template #1*

I can not escape this guilt.
it is eating me alive. like a virus.
i think.
misuse of words.

Burnout.

Social media burnout.
Staying indoors burnout.
Catching up with friends burnout.
Zoom burnout.
Skype burnout.
Video calls burnout.
Voice calls burnout.
Email burnout.
Drinking my coffee alone burnout.
Cooking only for myself burnout.
Drinking wine alone burnout.
Wearing a mask and gloves burnout.

- Day 40 of self-isolation -
Déjà-vu or repeat?

I'm afraid of talking about you,
maybe you'll become a memory
and those words will be lost in a distant past.

- So, don’t you talk with your friends anymore?

- I do, mommy, but we text.

- So you don’t call at all?

- No, who the hell calls when you can text?

- Do as you please. But this isn’t proper communication, just sayin’.

- Whatever.

Last night I had a panic attack. My story ran into a dead end. I need to untie the knot. Think. Think. Think. I can’t think. Shut your mouth. Shut all your mouths. I can’t stand hearing all of you speak. Why am I here? Let me talk or... or what?

When the night has come, and the land is dark, and the moon is the only light we’ll see. No, I won’t be afraid, oh, I won’t be afraid, just as long as you stand 6 feet by me.

I’ve spent the first two Easter days with my sister and my boyfriend and it has been quite nice. We cooked, we had red eggs and cozonac, wine, discussions over lunch, and discussions over the phone with our family.

My grandma was pretty sad, she said our room looked like we had never even been there, no familiar smell, no nothing. That was unsettling, but she is strong too, we have a family of strong women. I tried to make her laugh, switch the convo, but her voice broke a bit towards the end. She said she wanted to see us again and then she could die in piece. That was unsettling too.

I took a break.

I took a break from everything.

It's been two weeks. I used to write how my days were.
What I had to do and what I accomplished.
Too many empty pages on my agenda.

I should feel relaxed because I needed it.
But the blame it's bigger and bigger.

I lost the track.

And it feels so wrong.
Getting back to it seems harder than before.

It's like a part of me doesn't know who I am anymore.

I keep forgetting that I am young and I don't necessarily need to know.

It is normal.

It is normal to get lost.

I could say I got lost in the present.
My dependence on people reached a higher level.

I'm entering a state of denial.

I am feeling a bit stressed, because I am thinking to apply for Erasmus next academical year, but I am in doubt, I feel that I don’t want to study engineering anymore and I don’t know how much I will force myself to do it from now on. The only thing that makes me do this is that I want to gain experience and to try new adventures. Also I am applying for a business program which I find interesting, so fingers crossed.

April 27:
Chaos.

April 28:
Chaos.

April 29:
More chaos.

April 30:
Even more chaos. Is it possible?

The walls are caving in.

I’ve realized that I haven’t left the house in 5 days.

My mind is spinning and I’m tired of feeling scared about how/what I’m feeling.

I’ve cried my eyes out talking with my therapist about feeling alone and depressed about it.

Few hours after that, I went out for a quick run in the neighbourhood to cool down and also took the stairs instead of the elevator. Living at the 9th floor paid out this time.

Tomorrow is another day.

Today I read an article about this virus causing strokes in adults in their 30s and 40s. I tried to imagine my own death again, but who can take that too far without feeling weird. Especially when I think about my mom. Eventually everyone is forgotten but not with some resistance. And that can cause damage.

In such moments, I start putting it into perspective, thinking about humanity. People killing, people dying, as Fergie would sing. It hurts because you know it happens everywhere, because you know it could happen to you, you just have to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Just a regular stubbing is enough. So what do we do, we live with the constant fear? No. It seems again that I have to accept that I could die tomorrow, for all I know. Maybe in an earthquake. And my mom would be in Italy and she’d have to be strong enough. But dammit, if it doesn’t hurt. She’s the only one I am scared for.

And life seems a little bit like a game of getting attached and trying to make yourself strong enough for the moment when everyone you love leaves you. Sometimes when I think about this and the things I’ve been writing in my journal, sometimes scary things, that would make my mom sad, I feel like writing something about my death too, that I accept it as long as the ones who stay don’t fret over it too much. I’d like them to work for the dreams I had, like a parent who projects their dream onto their child.

That’s partly because I don’t wanna have children, because of the suffering and the killing and because there’s too much to do for those still alive... But look at me, being somebody’s child. That’s one of the things that would probably hurt mom. Mom - who says my sister and I are her blessings.

I don’t know, man. Just earlier today I was telling my sister how lucky we are to sit outside a bit, drink tea, play with a friend’s dog and now I’m thinking about death. Sometimes I really believe we’re lucky, but sometimes I feel like I have to repeat it to myself because of how fucked up the world is, because I need a comparison to feel a little better. But it’s still not enough, it hurts to know that somewhere there’s a soul struggling with depression like I used to, with things such as poverty... in these days. You feel like asking the world to steal just a little bit less, to love just a little bit more. Because there’s this domino effect, ruining everyone’s life. And you may try harder and harder and still don’t get the basic things you need, still get born with no chance to live. I don’t know. I’m not at peace tonight.

Estuans interius ira vehementi.

I don't know why every time I try to sleep, I end up thinking more than I do during the day. Occasionally, when I'm alone, it gets terrible. Amazing how many worries I have when the sun decides to disappear. Everything becomes so much worse, I have a feeling like there is no solution for solving the problems I realize I have, then start to feel hopeless, miserable and I simply want everything to stop and for me to just be free of obligations and love. I remember things I still can't get over, that are tearing me apart, and I don't know if it would have been better to just not know the truth. Maybe if I stayed oblivious, I would be happy now. Yet living a lie. But as soon as morning comes, it seems nothing can touch me and I am safe and strong again. And I laugh at memories of nights like this. Laugh because I'm far away from them. Too bad they always return.

Curse here, curse there. A curse for he, and she, why care. A bottomless curse, a bottomless sea, source of all greatness, all things that be. Listen to the baneful chants. Weep with them, as one in trance. And weep with us, oh, weep with us...

I don’t even know how I feel about it anymore, I’m too stressed with my master’s degree and trying to move into a nicer apartment. Cause now it’s the time... since it’s cheaper. I just want to finish with all the papers, walk a little bit around and read on the balcony with nothing else to do. Just some work on the computer. I’m looking at all my summer clothes and imagine how I’ll get to wear two or three dresses and then it will be autumn... then winter... then spring again. I’m not even nervous at the thought. Perhaps the outcome of sitting too much on a chair, writing shit on a computer. All work and no play makes me wanna cry because of horrible backaches and no desire whatsoever to do my tasks.

Oh, and no prospect of a proper party in sight, God. I should dance more often or these feet will go numb. I might do it right now. Or not. Cause I feel like I’m wasting time and I’ve already wasted enough not being able to get anything done... I’m tired. And I’ve done almost nothing all day.

Last night I fucking counted my books.
517 books as of 6.05.2020.

Cute.

How many have I read since the quarantine started?
0.

i haven't been outside in a month
& i feel all kinds of sick
except for the contagious kind
so i guess i shouldn't be too worried

You know what I fucking hate most about people?

Fake laughing at something that is not funny and being shallow.

I swear, shallow people are the worst. Shal-al-al-allow.
We’re far from the shallow now.

Yes, of course I didn’t follow up to that I learned how to paint figures text. Why would I? Do you really think I was going to do it? Let’s be serious. Collecting Hot Wheels and Pez dispensers already make up the most of my free time.

I love porn. Help, I love porn.

I keep thinking what’s going to happen jobwise after these months. As a person working in the events industry, I had to accept that this year is compromised. All the film and music festivals that I’m part of probably won’t happen this year and that means I have to find a new direction. This is the reason why I’ve thought about applying for a job in different supermarkets. I don’t find it beneath me, but where am I going with this? I don’t want to have a career in a supermarket chain but I have to manage somehow. Luckily, my parents were more than supportive in the past months, but I can’t keep doing that. So I started joking with my friends about it, thinking that the more I talk about this option, the more I’ll feel comfortable with it. I got all kinds of reaction from people that agreed with me to people who just laughed or people that told me they’re going to come to Bucharest and kick my ass if I do such a thing.

8 days left. Let’s see where this goes.

La casa de papel is a fucking stupid and bad show for shallow people and if you watch and like it, just remember I like my burgers well done, and I want extra fries and a large peach Lipton. Yeah, come @ me. I don’t fucking care, you simpleton. Don’t forget the hot sauce.

Does anybody else actually feel the need to preserve stuff? Like, I know we live in the digital era, but it’s still so much that can, and does go missing. I save DCAU movies and obscure anime. What do you save? Don’t tell me that you save yourself. You don’t fucking matter. You will die, and so will I. But our kids might want to watch the Devil May Cry anime. Or play Conker’s Bad Fur Day. What will you do then?

Few people actually think for themselves,
the rest of them act according to stereotypes,
they’re too comfortable to think for themselves.

I’ve tried starting to write a few times. Ever since I woke up I feel like drowning. I didn’t want to wake up. I dreamt again about a lot of things and nothing. My dreams are full of people and details I try to figure out, but it feels like it does more harm than good. The people, yes. I thought about them yesterday. Yesterday, my mom wanted to go to my grandma’s place, to stay in the countryside for a while, enjoy the garden and the fresh air. She goes crazy without oxygenating her brain. It seems like I’m the same, but I can resist better. I would have gone there to do a little bit of yoga among the trees and breathe in some fresh air, but I’ve just created a minimum of comfort in my personal space, why would I abandon it? On the other side, I decided I wanted to visit some friends over the weekend. I’ve crossed the panic barrier created by the virus and I feel like I can use my car if I go to only one safe place. Basically, I gave up nature for people and comfort. If I didn’t feel a minimum of comfort there, I don’t think I would be able to enjoy it. I’ve been blaming myself even since I woke up. I refused my father using the same excuses.

I don’t know why this thin thread exists. I feel like I don’t have control over myself and that’s stupid. It’s stupid because it should be the complete opposite. I should be able to make the most out of this period, to rediscover myself. But I keep forgetting that it’s only one day. One day, one moment and then it goes away… Until I get to realize sometimes that, without my knowing, it’s piling up. It doesn’t transform into a full bag, but it still weighs down. So today I dived into the fear and dread of the future. The guilt of taking the luxury to study and not having a stable income in order to save my parents from some expenses has been weighing me down terribly. I’ve been struggling with this for a while. It’s a pressure that’s been causing me panic attacks. Fortunately, those are not here yet. They’re almost here. But I don’t allow them to come. Anxiety is still foreign to me. So, I don’t know how to stop them when they occur. I’ve slept a lot today. I tried to wash and sleep my thoughts away, but it didn’t work. I danced a bit, hoping that exercise would help me outgrow my state of mind. I’ve been feeling like I’m about to cry ever since I woke up. But I feel it’s not worth it. I’m not yet in complete lethargy if I managed to move around a bit, right?

I had a bit of a breakdown. I feel scared. not because of the virus. because... I don't know why. I felt a lot of energy coming from the sunset, but it wasn't the usual one, that caressed my soul. this made me rather anxious. I met with two friends at mega. in fact, we intentionally met with the excuse of going to mega. after seeing them again, I confirmed to myself that my anxiety increased. maybe that's why I'm scared. that I will no longer know how to behave in society. or have a conversation... I used to think a lot before too.

I would analyze any sentence that seemed inappropriate to me and a why didn't I react like that or why didn't I say that would always pop out. but now it feels more amplified somehow... I want to meet some more close people. but I don't know if I’m mentally prepared for it. at the same time, I feel that it is just something my mind made up. but still, what if it's real? many times I struggled with myself, thinking that everything is a projection of mine, so basically… nothing but problems that popped out from my thoughts. I hear way too many church bells.

I was crying earlier, spinning surrounded by the smell of palo santo, doing breathing exercises to calm myself down. I remembered the first year in Bucharest, when my mother forced me to go to the nearby church to get holy fire. I was depressed. I started crying because of how many people were there. Now that I think about it, I think that was my first panic attack... but I hadn't realized. I blamed the church, because everything that happened was stupid, I didn't understand the purpose of people being there, why everybody gathered for something material. I still don't understand these things, but looking back, I think I just couldn’t stand the crowd I was in. and the crowd effect. adding also the forced connection with God. I haven't been to church since. only once in amusement with a foreign guy to show him around the city. but even then I started crying. I tell myself that I have a special connection to the churches. the reality is that I haven’t allowed myself to explore, to see how I feel about this. on the spiritual side I gradually developed, but I see this as a separate subject.

it amuses me how my thoughts fly and I actually forget the state I was in. this also happens when I speak. I usually talk a lot. he told me today that it’s possible for this madness to last until July. I think that scared me the most. then my father, who wrote to me while drunk, triggered my mood. the thought of helplessness reappeared. fear that I don't know how and if I will be able to get a job. rents are already behind anyway. I don't know what will happen. it’s certain that something inevitably pressures me from the outside. my mother tells me not to worry and that she will be fine. but she says it with a forced optimism and teary eyes. what else can I believe?

I need to write. A lot. I’m running out of time. I’m starting to panic. Good thing I still have a season of Better Call Saul left to watch. No, it’s not wasting time, it’s helping me cope with stress. You are wrong.

Stop reading this if you don’t want me to shatter your existence and make you feel bad for the rest of your day. Proceed on your own risk. You still here? Well, don’t forget to like, comment and subscribe and of course click the notification bell to be part of the notification bell squad. Also this post is sponsored by Raid Shadow Legends. So, now that you’re the only one left reading, did you ever think about the poor African kids that don’t have water to drink and we shit, actually shit in a bowl of water?

I’m afraid of tomorrow. I’m afraid of the fact that we as a people didn’t learn anything from the past two months and all the effort that has been made was in vain. We forget very fast and we don’t realize that sometimes rules are there to protect us not to fence us in. I wish I won’t see many people in the parks or in traffic tomorrow and I wish that we all understand that we’re facing years of restrictions and social distancing and even if we don’t like it this is the way to protect the people we love.

I might be afraid, but I’m not dead yet. I might end up all alone and that’s what makes me the most afraid. I think I might have been always afraid of that. Just that now that I’m all locked up I feel like I might never get to see my friends again. I think that might scare me more than getting sick or than dying. I don’t feel like a life without people in it is all that much worth living. This might be a lie of my own, though. I feel like I could live very well without any contact from anybody if I hadn’t ever met them, but now that I know the bliss of having someone to interact with it might be like an addictive drug to me. That’s a bit sad. Maybe there’s a reason for my fear now so I can learn to overcome it. Let’s hope we don’t remain 10 feet apart forever or if we do may we be happy and content with it.

Tomorrow, all of this should end. Not the virus, he’ll stay. Just the bureaucracy and military panopticon that I feel, right now, that we’ve been living. I’m just wondering if all this could have been avoided if we were to be more responsible; if we were to accept the situation and fight it by ourselves.

I went to the hypermarket today and there was no clue of any social distancing measure at all. I refused to tell anyone not to come too close to me. I just moved and moved and moved but it already feels that it doesn’t really matter anymore.

Tomorrow, all this should end, but I’m not sure that this is to be gone for good. I picture myself already driving all day hoping that my freedom is still somewhere not far from me.

Strangely, I’m not amazed or excited anymore. Breaking the rules, as seen in the city, will just make all this tougher. And I don’t really want to think about that for now.

I felt the transition.
How the world is getting back to normal.

More kids are playing outside. People are taking walks. The traffic is getting heavier. I can stay outside without being worried the police will stop and start interrogating me.

Day by day, our city came back to his chaos.

Old people are going shopping, I see my neighbors downstairs doing their chitty chat again. I’m wondering when they’ll start playing chess. Mmm, maybe they’re already doing that on the rooftop. I wouldn’t know that. I don’t have the keys.

But what if it gets worse? What if people will go crazy? And my dear old men will be playing chess in the front of our building, like they used to, where everyone passes by. People that are passing by could easily transmit them the virus, right?

Everyone will be going for a coffee outside in the park, going to the malls and start travelling again. I want to go back to my dear cinema and my fav coffee shop but nonono. It will get worse. I see it all as a manufactured confusion. And I’m sure people will not be scared that much anymore. Having restrictions got locals into a mad condition. Everyone will be enjoying freedom again. After all, will we get back into isolation? What is normal anymore?